September 2025 Player of the Month
The selection committee for the September Player of the Month award has officially entered a state of profound, collective bewilderment.
After days of agonizing over spreadsheets and the fundamental nature of competition, the coveted prize has been handed to a man whose performance profile reads like a practical joke: Kevin "Jamma" Johnston.
Johnston, whose nickname `Jamma` is a charming contraction of `Just About Made it, Mate,` played five events last month, achieving a baffling streak of "almost".
His five official results were a 5th place, a 3rd place, and a single, frustrating 2nd place. The remaining two results? A 19th and a 17th.
The award has triggered an epidemic of head-scratching, not from the contenders, but Johnston himself.
The committee was seen earlier today gathered around a whiteboard, with diagrams involving Venn circles, a small pile of Monopoly money, and a sign that simply read, "How did this happen?"
"We`re honestly scratching our heads ourselves about him," admitted committee member Adam Harding, whose spectacles were currently fogged up from excessive calculator use. "He didn`t win, he only cracked the top three twice, yet his average finishing position, combined with his perfect attendance, he was never late, we`ll give him that, somehow, mathematically, edges out the guys who actually won tournaments. We`re staring at the numbers and wondering about our entire life choices."
The consensus is that Johnston`s sheer persistence in hovering around the lucrative middle of the pack, coupled with his uncanny ability to make every event a tense, nail-biting finish for someone else (usually the person who actually won), was simply too impressively mediocre to ignore.
When reached for comment, Johnston was found in a small cafe, slowly counting a thick wad of banknotes, mostly in small denominations, while muttering, "It`s the steady-Eddy-payday, boys. You get paid for every spot, and no one expects the fifth-place check to be this big. I`m just wondering about how long this can last."
His victory serves as a baffling inspiration to competitors everywhere. As one disappointed rival put it, "I won tournaments and came in fourth in the other two. Jamma`s best finish was second, and now he`s Player of the Month. I`m going to go wander around and wonder about the meaning of effort for a few hours. And maybe buy a calculator."
Congratulations to Kevin Johnston, the man who proved that sometimes, being a reliable runner-up and a very consistent fifth-placer is better than actually being the best. Now, if you`ll excuse us, we have to go find a new way to calculate `excellence.`
Do you think Kevin "Jamma" Johnston will try to maintain his streak of never winning next month?
Wednesday 8th October 2025 - Awards News